Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
