bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
