I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
