Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
