why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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