There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
