when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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