Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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