Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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