So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
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