proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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