I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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