her vagine was all disorganized.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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