and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am mentally ready for anal.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
