I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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