I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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