two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
