the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize