haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
your room smells of hookers.
And success
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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