Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
