There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just want to make out with him forever
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize