my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Duck Duck Cougar?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
