When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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