Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize