That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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