the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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