AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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