It's like a parade of train wrecks.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is wine microwaveable?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
