worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
