i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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