and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
