After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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