I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
