It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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