My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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