marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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