Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
