I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
