Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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