We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
