Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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