hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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