im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
