I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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