can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
