I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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