I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The uberlube is also flammable
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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