That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You are the jesus of drinking
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
