Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
