Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
