I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
