I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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