Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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