Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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