RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
