You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
