you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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